Everybody is always telling me that I handle things so well and that I always seem so positive about the adoption. People tell me they don't understand how we can do it and how easy we make the wait of adoption seem. I love how people think that, but am always real with people that there are struggles in the adoption process. Yes, we always hold onto the fact that God is good and in control and we know wholeheartedly He will bring Nathan home to us....but that doesn't mean it is always "peachy". I want to share a funny story with you that happened last night. It is comical today, but was not so comical at the time it took place. This is probably TMI and could possibly make you think less of me, but in an effort to let people know that we encounter SO MANY blessings on the road to adoption, but we also have our moments where we want to pull our hair out, I will share!
Last night I am laying in bed having just read a discouraging blog about yet another change/hiccup in our adoption process. We have experienced many of these, but the one last night just really got to me. I was so shaken up by this news. Jeremy has no idea what is going on and be-bops into the bedroom with a bright smile and quickly realizes I am not happy. He asks what is wrong and I tell him (like a 2 year old child :) that I don't even want to talk right now and for him to open his email and read what was just sent to us. Of course, he immediately reads the email and in the meantime, I sit there and stew over it. I cannot figure it out, but I am literally so mad that I am envisioning myself saying the F-word. This is hilarious for me, because I do not say that word nor like to be around when it is said. At this point, I just want to scream it from the rooftop because I think it will somehow make me feel better.
Jeremy finishes the email and tries to gracefully lay down on the bed next to me to comfort me and BAM!....the bed completely breaks! What do I do......scream the F-bomb because it just seems ok at the moment (Ok, those of you are judging me at this point...please keep reading!!). Are you kidding me right now??? Completely irritated and trying to control myself internally and the bed randomly breaks in half (I happened to move the bed this weekend to clean blinds and curtains and apparently didn't realize I also moved the support beams.....OOPS! Sorry Jeremy!) Jeremy is extremely taken back by my action and honestly, I don't think he knows what to do but run to another room scared for his life. ha! Poor guy...he had no idea what he was in for!
I lay there trying to figure out why I am so upset and quickly realize that I am mad that my baby is not already home. I knew he wasn't going to be home now, but every time we get another email adding possibly a few more months to our wait, I think I am going to explode. I am a "mommy" on edge because I haven't received an update on my little boy in over 2 1/2 months now and no pictures. I am upset at the whole entire process and want to travel to Korea today and bring Nathan home! I am mad that I make it through most days with the grace to move on and smile yet tonight, I know that I completely failed. I then lay there telling God that I am SO tired of living in this limbo stage of adoption and I just want things to be normal. I selfishly want to be able to plan our next family vacation instead of trying to save every extra penny in case another adoption expense comes up. I want to be able to know what it will be like to be a working mom of 2 and to know that I can do it. I want to physically touch my baby and know that he is healthy instead of the discomfort of worrying about all the "what if's". You know....the same feelings you get when you are on month 9 of being pregnant and are tired of thinking about it...you just want to get this show on the road. In other words, I am tired of living in this slight position of discomfort.
After tossing, praying, turning, praying, tossing some more....it hits me. God is doing a work in our family right now and we don't even see it. He is trying to teach us not to live this life of complete comfort and to always be willing at any moment for change to live out His plan. I selfishly want to live a life that I have planned out, but I think God is trying to teach our family to stop with our plans of comfort, and rely solely on His plan. I pray that I can be a person who God could call on at any moment to fulfill His works and that my own desire for comfort would not be in the way. God is answering this prayer! Although last night was a ridiculous, hard night for me and I completely failed at many things, I am so excited to know that God is working in our family to stretch us out of this desire for our own comfort. Thank you God for stretching me even if it hurts sometimes. Please continue on as our family desires to live our entire lives devoted to doing things for your kingdom. Oh yea...and please forgive me for dropping the F-bomb. ;)
**BTW, I have to give kudos to my wonderful husband who puts up with my completely crazed "mommy" moments and who graciously forgives and forgets so willingly. He is also gracious enough to let me share this story as it might be "airing our dirty laundry." :)
